Over the years, I’ve noticed several trends when it comes to anxious teens and their parents. The first is a reluctance on the part of teens to share their deep-seated thoughts and feelings. Several reasons for this come to mind. The first is embarrassment and shame; how painful it is to acknowledge that anxiety and fear prevent the accomplishment of even small tasks. The second is the general lack of awareness into how debilitating their feelings have become. As one teen told me, “it has been apart of me for so long it seems almost normal.” A third reason is a reluctance to burden their parents; teens often prefer to courageously suffer in silence. A final reason lies in the belief that anxiety protects them. Remember that while it may seem difficult to make sense of their fears, to one who suffers from anxiety, the fears are very real. From the parental viewpoint, parents often have little idea of the extent of their child’s fears until the manifestations are crippling. Then there is the inevitable frustration and feelings of helplessness as they watch their children suffer. This leads to an absolute urgency to resolve the problem. Unfortunately, this urgency often exascerbates the problem. Resolving deep-seated anxiety requires patience and the belief that anxiety can successfully be treated.

The world can be overwhelming for today’s teens so let’s consider some of the strategies both parents and teens can use to combat anxiety and the inevitable depression which accompanies it. For parents, who we know will go to any length to ease their child’s pain, here are several ideas which can help their children right away:

1. Look for warning signs. Are they struggling in school, socially, or are they reluctant to engage in common teen activities? Is their sleep disturbed or are they exhibiting other signs of stress (panic attacks, physical complaints, cutting)?
2. Tune into their emotions. In today’s busy families, it seems all we have time for are discussions around homework, chores and other routine business. Yet sometimes teens provide parents with opportunities to discuss their troubling feelings.   Parents should watch for those opportunities and seize them. Remember, anxious teens tend to suffer in silence.
3. Recognize anxiety for what it is – fear. Fear is real. No one can be talked out of it, consequences do not work nor does disappointment or anger on the part of the parent. Instead, step back and ask yourself what is really going on. And then ask them.
4. Avoid simply reassuring your child. The tendency to reassure a child is normal. But for severely anxious children it provides little relief. In fact, it often backfires. The child feels unheard, inadequate and, even worse, the fear still remains.
5. Avoid rescuing your child. Every parent’s instinct is to rescue their child from their fears. Instead, join your child in the pursuit of mastering their fears.
6. Seek professional help if the anxiety is seriously complicating your child’s life. Debilitating anxiety is difficult to address without professional help. Research finds that two accepted treatments are successful when combined. Those would be medication and counseling (“pills plus practice”). Parents and teens are often reluctant to turn to medication, however, a consultation with a medical professional makes sense when anxiety is severe. Counseling provides an opportunity for the teen to learn skills and techniques that can be used to reduce anxiety.

There is also a role the teen must play in managing anxiety and, indeed, it is critical that they step up and participate. Here are some guidelines to consider:

1) Do not personalize your anxiety. Accept that anxiety has nothing to do with weakness or personal failure. It is not a poor choice that was made nor does it need to accompany you the rest of your life.

2) Practice healthy habits – eat well, exercise, socialize and adhere to a reasonable sleep routine. These may seem inconsequential, however, their effects on mental health are proven and powerful.

3) Practice mindfulness. When anxious, we tend to dwell on past failures and future perils. A cloud of pessimism forms over us. Mindfulness is about staying in the present. Identifying and focusing on what is happening in the moment prevent the mind from wandering into perceived past and future failures.

4) Allow your parents to help. Teens are reluctant to invite their parents into their anxious world for many reasons. Parents are the single greatest resource for teens as they travel the path towards mastery.

Coincidentally, I met a teenager as I was writing this article. She has been suffering in silence as she contends with extreme social anxiety. She describes her life in heartbreaking terms, filled with misery and distress. I advised her that as she begins this journey to gain control over her life, to be patient. Mastery will come. Celebrate small steps, focus on successes and remember that no one has to feel this way forever.