Let’s start by saying sibling conflict is crazy-making! I think everyone would agree. My parents, for years, talked about how my sister and I would fight incessantly on the long drive to Florida each summer. No amount of bribery, coercion or threats would stop us. We were in the back seat and we were bored. My parents simply wanted quiet. It never occurred to them to place one of us in the front seat and one in the back. When it comes to sibling conflict, parents generally are not inclined to strategize, they just want their kids to behave. But if a child falls behind in school, let’s say, wouldn’t all effort be invested on behalf of that problem? Setting aside time each night to help the child with homework is a no-brainer. Daily email back and forth with the teacher is a given. And if all else fails, hiring a tutor now seems common place. But sibling conflict? We just tell them to get along.

Perhaps we can begin by looking at why kids fight. Then we can reasonably address how to help them get along. Here are the usual reasons:

• To get attention from the parents.
• Boredom
• To feel powerful.
• A lack of personal/private space.
• The absence of clearly defined rules and guidelines governing acceptable and unacceptable behavior. For example, if you hit, you sit.
• To become the favored one in the eyes of their parents by making their sibling look bad.
• They are too young to manage the social complexities of relationships – sharing, compromise, empathy, delaying gratification, conflict resolution, emotional self-regulation.

Patience, advanced planning and clever interventions by parents will address most of the above issues. Intervene on the front-end (before conflict erupts) in order to anticipate and eliminate problems before they occur. Like putting one kid in the front seat with one parent, while the other is in the back seat with the other parent. And do not forget to give each child equal time in the front. This small maneuver would have saved my parents endless grief on those long drives to Florida.

Here are some front-end interventions to consider:

• Establish rules and guidelines for sibling interactions. And consistently enforce them. Kids need a road map to follow when it comes to interacting with each other.
• Make predictions. If you can predict conflict between the children, then trust your judgment and plan accordingly. For example, if they always fight over the TV remote, then do not allow any of them access to it.

 

• Divide and conquer. If you can provide separate spaces (bedrooms for example) do so. It may mean giving up your office space but it will be well worth it.
• Spend regular one-on-one quality time with each child. And make it consistent. Today’s families are very busy and sometimes what gets pushed down the priority list is quiet time with each child.       Remember, a big reason they fight is for adult attention.
• If there are two parents in the home, remember managing sibling conflict it is a two-parent job. Both parents being attentive to the children, being consistent and supporting each other is priceless. It also prevents the children from playing one parent against the other.
• Catch them getting along. Kids love to please parents and they respond well to the accompanying praise.       This intervention can also provide teachable moments – so important as they strive to learn valuable social skills.
• Do not put the older child in charge of the younger. If you do, you are asking for trouble and you are bound to hear “you’re not my dad/mom, you can’t tell me what to do. “
• Teach them at an early age to entertain themselves. Provide ample time for children to be on their own. This way they learn to manage down time and to enjoy their own company.

Remember that some degree of sibling conflict is inevitable. And while most people vividly remember their squabbles with their siblings, most also report satisfactory relations as adults. Experts believe that a certain level of conflict is beneficial. It provides children with opportunities to learn valuable social skills which will benefit them their entire lives. Lastly, place sibling relations on an equal level with school performance and other skills you want your children to learn. Then sit back and enjoy the peace and harmony inside the home.