Divorce can have an adverse impact on children. Let’s consider the strategies which may help avoid those harmful outcomes. Whether recently divorced or you have been apart for some time, raising your kids isn’t easy. While your break up will undoubtedly affect the children, they can and do survive divorce. With your help, they will emerge competent, happy and self-assured. Let’s look at what works and some of the pitfalls to avoid during and after divorce. Here are nine areas that deserve special attention:

1. Getting along and co-parenting with the other parent. This is the most important factor in a child’s post-divorce adjustment. Children report that their parent’s inability to get along caused them the greatest amount of angst and research has found that the degree of parental conflict is the best predictor of a poor outcome. So what do you do? Firstly, think of your ex as an asset for your children. Kids need both parents in their lives. Put aside your feelings for your ex and remember that when co-parenting, the kids come first. Secondly, change your mind-set. Think first about what is in the best interest of your children and then generally you will find that supporting the other parent is paramount.
2. Never place the kids in the middle of you and your ex. There is a book I always recommend called “Caught in the Middle” by Carla Garrity and Mitchell Baris. The authors outline errors to avoid. Don’t ask the child to relay a message to the other parent. Don’t ask your children what is going on at the other parent’s house. Don’t ask your children to keep a secret from the other parent. Don’t ask your kids to take sides. Finally, avoid allowing children to put themselves in the middle for the purpose of reducing the conflict between the parents.
3. Consistent parenting between homes leads to the smoothest transition. Ideally, there would be little change in the structure and expectations between homes. We all know that this is unrealistic. However, if we believe that consistency will result in less stress for the children, then every effort should be made towards having similar routines, chores, discipline, school expectations, bedtimes and mealtimes.
4. Never speak badly about the other parent. Universally kids hate this. Children love each parent. The goal is to have your child love and respect both parents. And in so doing, you are modeling the behavior you would like your children to take with them into adulthood.
5. Do not let guilt influence your parenting style. In the parenting world, guilt is like kryptonite to Superman. Single-parent guilt may cause you to give in to your children but what they need most is consistency and clear guidelines. They also need to know that you are in charge. Have empathy for the children but do them a favor and remain in charge.
6. Limit the amount of change in your children’s life. Often a parent is tempted to pick up the pieces and move. Sometimes there is no choice, but consider the immense stress divorce alone causes the children. If we tack on a new school, a new home or a different neighborhood, then we are dramatically increasing the stress a child faces.
7. Allow equal time with both parents. Every effort should be made to allow children equal access to both parents unless there is a profound reason against it. They deserve it. Custody battles are seldom about a child’s best interests. When one parent “prevails” over the other, the children usually suffer. Children who have contact with and are loved and nurtured by both parents, are more likely to successfully cope with the stress of divorce.
8. Expect kids to act out at home/school or struggle accademically. Some children will over-achieve while others may under-achieve. A decline in grades is common. Remember, if your child was a “B” student before the divorce, then they will return to that level of functioning after the divorce. The same goes for behavior. If the child was compliant and respectful pre-divorce, then expect those behaviors to eventually return. Knowing this prevents the parent from over-reacting.
9. Make it clear to the kids that the divorce is not their fault and there is no wrong way to feel. Children search for answers as to why there is divorce and they will inevitably look within. As children, their beliefs usually stay inside, fester and/or become distorted. Do not assume that your child understands the causes for the divorce; they do not. Better to assume that children are confused, have a myriad of conflicting emotions and will default to self-blame. Whenever possible, seize the moment to validate feelings and clarify that the divorce is not their fault.

Above all remember that when your every intention is to act in the children’s best interests, then most of the time you will.