Approximately 20 years ago I met a woman in my practice who was a single parent of three boys. Her husband had died four years earlier in a construction accident. I credit this mother with teaching me about single parenthood. She left me with the conviction that there are few “jobs” in the world that are more difficult. I still marvel at the strength of this woman, her dedication to her children and the level of exhaustion she endured on behalf of her kids. Running on empty became the norm in her life. If I had asked her at the time for her advice to single parents, here is what she would probably have wished me to convey:

1) Take care of yourself: It seems obvious, yet interview any number of single parents and you will find that almost without exception, they place their children first regardless of the circumstances. The end result is a parent running on empty and on the verge of exhaustion. Instead, do your children a huge favor and look after yourself. Rest, eat properly, exercise and, by all means, take time for yourself. And the occasional dinner or coffee with friends is critical. A final piece of advice is to set up something to look forward to, however modest. Looking forward to something lifts the spirits and keeps us moving forward.

2) Reach out for help: Most single parents are either too tired or too embarrassed to ask for help. It is this tireless determination which enables them to get through each day, yet we know that exhaustion and isolation will eventually take its toll. What is of utmost importance is to remember that you are not alone. There are hundreds of single parents in the exact same boat. They also long for resources which will help with transportation, childcare or simply a morale boost from someone close. Here, in the Treasure Valley, there is a support group called “Treasure Valley Single Parents” which offers information, support, outings, meetups and general opportunities to mingle with others who can relate to the everyday stress of single parenting.

3) Get organized: This subject certainly applies to all of us. Not just single parents. Of course, I believe on any given day, a single parent juggles many more balls than the average adult. For that reason, being organized is paramount. This involves time and discipline up front so that ultimately your family runs smoothly. So, focus if you can on the daily routines you would like your children to follow, like meal times, school related activities, chores and bed times. Well-set plans for grocery shopping, meal preparation, house cleaning and other miscellaneous activities are also imperative. Children respond best to routine, clear and consistent expectations and predictability. Fewer wrinkles inside the family will provide benefits for years to come.

4) Strive for “good enough: Many single parents try to play both parent roles and invariably fall into the “superparent” trap. Instead, it is best to recognize the resilience of children and to accept that they still can thrive even if you park them occasionally in front of the television or xbox. I loved it when my mom would throw a frozen dinner my way because she was otherwise preoccupied. I certainly did not suffer. So, adjust expectations and give yourself a break. Pick the important aspects of parenting you are not willing to give up and permit yourself to allow the lesser things to slide.

5) No Guilt: Guilt is so prominent among single parents that it seems nearly impossible to avoid. And why should you avoid it? Because it undermines effective parenting more than any other emotion. Feeling guilt for raising your children without two parents is natural. But children are resilient, forgiving, strong and flexible; they will be okay. Instead focus on the strength you bring to your family and all the warmth, joy and happiness that comes with it.

6) Do not expect the children to have empathy: Certainly time is on your hands when it comes to your children being able to empathize with you. Unfortunately that will be when your children are in their 20’s and older, NOT 18 years old or younger. I have noticed over the years that single parents long for their children to understand and appreciate the lengths they go to each day on behalf of the family. When it is not forthcoming, the parent becomes irritated and frustrated. Children are by nature egocentric. In their mind the world revolves around them. So for the moment, count on them meeting you at the door each day with demanding needs. Even upon your return home from a stressful day at work. And do not count on them going the extra mile around the house to make your day go smoother.

Single parenting is no doubt stressful, demanding and exhausting. There is no way around it. It is also, however, a noble mission with great rewards. As the woman from my practice said, “yes it’s hard, but it’s totally worth it”. And, one day, your children will look back with appreciation and thank you for providing a healthy, happy and loving home.