“Laziness is in the mind of the accuser…when you say someone is lazy, you admit that you don’t understand him!” (Dr. Mel Levine from his book, The Myth of Laziness, 2003).
I have often thought about what my supervisor told me in my first year out of graduate school, that every child wants to please his teachers and his parents. They want to keep up with their classmates. They want to hold their heads high when their grandparents ask how things are going in school. They want to feel good about themselves. They are naturally curious and eager learners. Finally, they have a natural inclination to produce and they understand the connection between school performance and future choices in life. Yet, there are kids who are not performing and these are the outliers. These kids are frequently labeled as lazy, told they are not working up to their potential and are often met with disappointment from parents and teachers. Let’s take at closer look at these kids to find out what is really going on.
If you believe as I do, that kids cannot inherently be lazy, then by definition, as a parent, you will look for other reasons to explain your child’s struggles. A lack of effort, failing grades, uncompleted homework assignments (all of which drive you crazy), then become symptoms of something larger going on. A root cause, if you will. Ask any teacher and they will give you many examples of grade school children with learning disabilities for example, who struggled academically before they were identified, assessed and provided support. I remember a girl named Anna who was brought to me because of her history of failing in school. Her parents were of course extremely frustrated and above all fearful and worried for her future. They had tried many strategies including reward systems, consequences, micro-managing her assignments, tutors etc. Unfortunately, Anna only remembered the conflict and the labels and predictions she picked up along the way. Lazy, not very smart, not caring about school, not living up to her potential and destined to “flip burgers” the rest of her life. But most of all, she remembered her parent’s and teachers’ disappointment. Anna was eventually tested by the school and was found to have significant learning disabilities. With the added support, Anna eventually graduated at age 19. She felt tremendous pride and gratitude to her teachers at her charter school. She also spoke about the relief at having proved all those who doubted her wrong. And at vanquishing her own self doubts.
There are many root causes to explain why children may be struggling in school. Here are a few of them:
- Learning Disabilities – Neurologically based processing problems which can interfere with learning basic skills such as reading, writing and/or math.
- Mood Disorders (Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder and others) – Disorders that tax motivation and contribute to hopelessness.
- ADHD – A condition that affects attention, focus, organization and memory.
- Autism Spectrum Disorder – A developmental disorder that is characterized by repetitive and restricted behaviors and by impaired language and cognitive development.
- Temperament – The typical social, behavioral and academic demands of school are difficult for certain kids to adhere to.
- Family stress – Any number of stressors can derail a child from being able to devote the necessary energy to the normal demands of school.
All of these causes can complicate a student’s best intentions and result in discouragement, a fear of failure, a fear of expectations and a lack of confidence. These traits can be insidious and take on a life of their own if not fully understood and addressed from the outset.
It is important to remember that no one is more disappointed in school failure than your child. Also remember that your child is as confused as you are. Every other kid just gets up, goes to school, does his homework and passes his classes. Your child is thinking, why can’t I?!
So, make the commitment to be the person who solves the riddle. And join your child in the quest to recognize and understand the real issues that are affecting their performance. Engage his teachers and others in the pursuit. Reframe the belief away from my child is “lazy,” to there is something else causing my child to struggle. Then patiently help your child meet you halfway in implementing the solution. Helping them to recognize and understand the real issues affecting their performance goes a long way towards improving their confidence and sense of self worth. It will also pave the way for a fulfilling and productive adulthood. Finally, when the grandparents come to visit, the child can proudly look them in the eye and talk to them about school.