It is hard to imagine an otherwise bright and competent teen unable to make a hair appointment over the phone. Or a teen dodging and weaving in order to avoid ordering a meal in public. Or a teen worrying excessively about doing or saying something “stupid.” Well, before your exasperation as a parent reaches a boiling point, please consider that there is no one in the world who would like to master the above tasks more than your teen. And yet, their struggles continue and, in fact, seem to worsen with age.

Often, children suffering from this condition are described as shy and most parents expect shyness to decline with time. But what we are describing here is not shyness, it is social anxiety. Before we get ahead of ourselves though, let’s first define social anxiety.   It is a condition characterized by extreme fear of meeting new people or embarrassing oneself in public. And whereas shyness does often decline with age, social anxiety often worsens. Some call it the “silent disorder” because it can go unnoticed in children for years.   Most of these children are compliant at home and cause few problems at school. They do not share their anxiety with others and they cope by avoiding the situations that trigger their anxiety. But social anxiety can in fact be crippling.

Here are some symptoms to be alert to if you have concerns about your child:

• Is your child uncomfortable speaking to teachers or peers?
• Does your child avoid participating in new activities?
• Does your child stay at home alone on weekends rather than being with friends?
• Does your child expect things to go bad when they are around their peers?
• Does your child worry about saying something stupid when speaking with others?
• Does your child express negative thoughts about themselves?
• Does your child appear to suffer in silence and also seem sad/depressed?

If as a parent you answered “yes” to many of the above symptoms, here are some some strategies you can use to help your teen tackle social anxiety.

First, help your child by giving the symptoms a name – anxiety – and then explain that millions of other people also suffer from anxiety. It is a relief for them to recognize that they are not alone and that you understand and are not disappointed in them. This also opens a path to communication with you which is important since teens are reluctant to either burden the parent with their troubles, or embarrassed to share their feelings with anyone. Remember, they typically suffer in silence.

Second, join your teen in the process of learning more about social anxiety. Two antidotes for anxiety are information and control. Therefore you will want to learn as much as you can about the subject including some of the strategies your teen can use to keep it at bay. Sometimes this is a difficult process for all parties as the parent’s sense of urgency results in inpatience. And anxiety is not a condition which responds well to urgency.   If your child has a fear of water, you probably would not throw him/her into the deep end! So patience is the key here and letting children lead the way whenever possible provides that sense of control they covet.

Lastly, once you begin to examine some of the strategies your teen can rely on to combat the way they feel, a useful plan of attack can be developed. The tools you choose will increase your child’s ability to cope and tolerate the anxiety.   And tolerence is indeed the objective. “Eliminating” the anxiety altogether may be the long-term goal but not the initial focus. Small steps forward will increase confidence levels and leave the teen feeling a sense of optimism.

While an increase in knowledge and the use of tools can be effective, sometimes it is not enough.   Severe cases of anxiety will probably require that you seek professional help. The first step is usually through counseling. A counselor can help educate and guide the child through the process of managing the anxiety. Cognitive therapy focusing on destructive thoughts, assertivness training to identify and express needs, relaxation training to address the physical symptoms of anxiety and imagined or real-life exposure to the triggers are all strategies that are likely to be helpful. Sometimes, however, even this is not enough. In those cases the teen may benefit from a consultation with the family doctor or other medical professional. Adolescents typically shy away from medications and parents are reluctant to medicate their children. But in severe cases where the teen is suffering, careful and thoughtful use of medication can be invaluable.

Social anxiety does not have to be a lifetime sentence. Identifying the problem correctly, engaging the teen in the treatment process and forming a partnership with your child will bring noticeable results. Then, let time and maturity work their magic.