I remember a conversation I had with my cousin not long after her divorce was finalized.   She had two kids, ages 12 and 10 at the time. I asked her how the kids were doing and she said “fine, they have moved on and do not seem too bothered by it.” My cousin’s response was not uncommon. I have come to learn that parents innately fear harming their children. So, during and after a divorce, parents desperately want to believe that the kids are okay, perhaps even better off given the state of the unhappy marriage. I understand their motivation. However, the research suggests that for a significant percentage of kids, divorce can have a lasting negative impact.

I was fortunate to have taken a class from Dr. Judith Wallerstein while in graduate school. Dr. Wallerstein founded the Center for the Family in Transition and her career is best known for her 25-year-long longitudinal study of 60 divorced families and the 131 children who were part of those families. From her research based on intensive interviews every 5 years, she published 4 books detailing the troubling impact divorce can potentially have on children. Here are some of her findings:

• The effects of divorce on children can be lifelong. In her book, Second Chances – Men, Women &   Children a Decade After Divorce, she writes “Divorce is not an event that stands alone in children’s or adults’ experience.       It is a continuum that begins in the unhappy marriage and extends through the separation, the divorce, and any remarriages and second divorces…”
• The quality of the post-divorce family is critical. The stress of single parenthood; the possible lack of contact with the non-custodial parent; the potential for conflict over custody, visitation and finances; and the stress inherent in blended families, may all contribute to her findings that “almost half of the children in the study entered adulthood as worried, under-achieving, self-deprecating, and sometimes angry young men and women.”
• Age matters. Small children were found to be terrified of abandonment.       Elementary age children grew resentful of opportunities lost as a result of divorce. Adolescents oddly were at the greatest risk despite their cognitive advantages over much younger children. According to Wallerstein. “the young people (adolescents) told us time and again how much they needed family structure, how much they wanted to be protected, and how much they yearned for clear guidelines for moral behavior.” Many turn their anger outward and engage in delinquent acts, especially boys.   Girls were more likely to turn their anger inward leading to feelings of depression and low self- esteem.
• Fear of commitment. As adults, Wallerstein found that many of those she tracked feared commitment, particularly women. Here are some quotes that indicate how some of these women were feeling:

“How can you believe in commitment when anyone can change his mind anytime?”

“I’m afraid to use the word ‘love’ because relationships are too uncertain. You can hope that a relationship is going to be permanent, but you can’t expect it.”

These commitment issues led to many in the study choosing to live with their partners outside of marriage.

• Children’s feelings: Wallerstein found that children of all ages feel intensely rejected when their parents get divorced. That children get angry at their parents for violating the unwritten rules of parenthood – that the adults are suppose to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. That children may feel intense loneliness as they navigate the world around them and that children often blame themselves for the break up.
• Other long term results: As adults, Wallerstein found that these children of divorce felt less protected, less cared for and less comforted. They feared betrayal, abandonment and loss.       Over one -third reported little ambition and a sense of helplessness. And many had significantly lower educational accomplishments than might have been predicted. According to Wallerstein, at the ten-year follow up, “barely half of the boys and girls were attending or had completed a two-year or four-year college. One-third, including many bright youngsters, had dropped out of high school or college.”

Dr. Wallerstein wanted it to be clear that she was not against divorce. She notes in her book that serious marital conflict can be far more damaging than divorce itself. She also found that some children considered themselves better off after the divorce. For them, divorce seemed the best solution to a bad situation. Nonetheless, she did want to leave parents with the message that the potential for short and long term negative impacts of divorce are real. That divorce should be undertaken thoughtfully and realistically and that children do best when their feelings are placed first. Next month we will look at what parents can do to help children cope with divorce.