I remember helping my dad rake the yard for the first time. I was, perhaps, ten and it felt good to be be working side by side with him on such an important project. He assigned me my own section to rake and I did so with gusto. Upon completion, I picked up the leaves, put the rake away and returned to the house. Not long thereafter, I looked out the window and noticed him re-raking my section. At first I did not understand but then upon closer examination, I saw that in fact, he was raking up several leafs I apparently left behind.
Growing up, I would not have called my dad a perfectionist although it seemed as if he did most things perfectly. Same for my mother. They never stressed the idea of being perfect nor did they harp on me when my grades for example were less than perfect. They led by example and focused on effort and hard work. Looking back, I appreciate their approach and the fact that I never had to struggle with the feeling that I had to be perfect. And, I have to admit, that I still leave a few leafs in my yard.
The reason I bring this up is due to the concern that perfectionism in teens is on the rise. According to an article in Psychology Today by Kenneth Ginsburg M.D. (October 22, 2011), today’s teens are especially prone to perfectionism because of societal pressure to be the best. A belief some teens endorse is: if they do not push themselves to be perfect, then they are doomed to a life of mediocrity. This myth is propagated, he believes, not only by society, but also inadvertantly by peers, educators and parents.
If you are a parent and you believe your teen is trending towards perfectionism, take a look at these common characteristics:
* Tendency to become highly anxious, angry or upset about making mistakes
* Chronic procrastination and difficulty completing tasks
* Easily frustrated and gives up easily
* Chronic fear of embarrassment or humiliation
* Overly cautious and thorough in tasks (for example, spending 3 hours on homework that should take 1 hour)
*Tries to improve things by re-writing
*Frequent catastrophic reactions or meltdowns when things don’t go perfectly or as expected
* Refusal to try new things and risk making mistakes
If, after reading this, you believe your teen manifests many of these symptoms, consider the consequences of a path towards perfectionism. Distress and perfectionism go hand in hand. Distress results in the release of the hormone cortisol. Here is an excerpt from an article in Psychology Today underlining the effects of cortisol on mental health:
“Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels also increase the risk for depression, mental illness and lower life expectancy. This week, two separate studies were published in Science citing elevated cortisol levels as a potential trigger for mental illness and decreased resillence – especially in adolescents.” Published on January 22, 2013.
Perfectionism can also lead to loneliness which, in turn, exacerbates depression. Most perfectionists will readily offer assistance to others but see asking for help for themselves as a weakness. Perfectionism also pushes people away. Who doesn’t feel intimidated and unworthy in the presence of someone who is “perfect”.
Parents often ask the question, “how can I help my teen?” You can begin with role-modeling. Start by letting your teen see your reaction to your own performance and that a less-than-perfect result is not the end of the world. Share your mistakes and talk about what you learned. Humor helps. Laugh at your own mistakes. Set reasonable standards and prevent your teen from loading up on rigorous academic courses and extra-curricular activities.
It is also helpful to talk to your teen about perfectionism. Help him or her understand that it can lead to being overly critical of ourselves and others. Explain that one mistake does not equal failure and that one bad performance does not equate to worthlessness. Explain to them that the goal is to strive for excellence, not perfection. Effort and hard work are more important than outcome and both will certainly usually lead to satisfying outcomes.
Help your teens gain perspective by focusing on the journey not the end result. Instead of being “the best,” teens should focus on acheiving personal bests and celebrating individual accomplishments. Along the way encourage them to take new risks and to celebrate the learning of new and unfamiliar skills. And the benefit of doing so while making new friends.
Finally, re-define the word “mistake” for your teen. From a sense of profound personal failure to an opportunity to learn and grow. Every path to success is littered with mistakes. And it can be argued that without trial and error, where would we be today. With that, I will leave you with a quote from Robert Kennedy:
“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”