Perhaps every successive generation of parents feels that raising kids becomes increasingly difficult. I do not know whether this is true or not, but it certainly seems more complicated than when I was a kid. Parents today are more involved in their children’s lives and children seem busier. The stakes appear higher and success more difficult to achieve. This belief raises parental anxiety and leads some to become more involved in their children’s lives than we now know to be healthy. This has given rise to parenting terms such as “Helicoptor Parenting”. These parents are well intentioned and generally want to protect their children from harm, disappointment and unhappiness. They also want to raise their children into mature and successful adults. Unfortunately we now have research on the impact this form of parenting has on children and the results are not encouraging.

If you are wondering whether you fit the definiton of a helicoptor parent, let’s look at the traits commom to this parent.

1. Over-protectiveness – A profound fear for their children’s safety results in an attempt to create a risk free environment.
2. Over-involvement with their children’s academics. These parents have up to the minute details of their child’s academic standing. Additionally they micro-manage the child’s day to day school requirements such as homework and projects.
3. Over-controlling their child’s life. This extends to the child’s activities, their schedules, their friendships, their social media and their free time.
4. Helicoptor parents fight their children’s battles. Examples may include speaking to the coach about playing time; emailing teachers about grades; calling the teen’s supervisor to arrange days off; or intervening anytime they believe their child is being treated unfairly.
5. Helicoptor parents equate their child’s success with their own performance as a parent. This results in a blurring of boundaries between the child’s functioning and their own as a parent.

If you fall into the category of helicoptor parent, consider the implications for your child based on research completed since the term was originally coined in 1990. Here are some of the conclusions.

1. These children have poor problem solving skills. When parents remove obstacles facing the child, they are in essence removing opportunities for the child to solve problems and learn other important life skills.
2. These children have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. A child’s self-worth is derived in large part from their accomplishments and the benefits derived from conquering life’s challanges. A parent who runs interference in this process leaves the child feeling unable to manage the day to day obstacles life brings.
3. These children lack personal responsibility. Children raised with parents who fight their battles and rescue them from their mistakes, never learn the cause and effect nature of decision making. Poor choices lead to uncomfortable results and we want our children to experience this.
4. These children are unable to self-advocate. We want our children to fight their battles, argue their cases, negotiate their needs and generally stand up for themselves.
5. These children are dependent on their parents. We want our children to launch into adulthood fully eqipped to lead independent lives. Young adults of helicoptor parents especially struggle to manage the enormity of decisions they face on a daily basis.

It would be unfair to criticize parents who only want the best for their children. To that end, they are no different than any other parent. The instinct to protect, take care of and make sure our children never experience hurt, fear or disappointment seems programmed into us. At some point though it all becomes a question of balance. At what point do our good intentions interfere with what the child actually needs? Letting children struggle is a gift. It frees them to develop their own character and to successfully generate their own path through life. Give them responsibility. Let them make mistakes. Let them make their own choices. Let them solve their own problems. In so doing they become self-reliant, resillient, risk takers and confident. All the ingredients we hope our children possess as they leave home to make their own way in the world.