High School is now at the mid-year point and with grades out I know many parents are at their wit’s end with certain children who may be underperforming. So I have found myself often thinking about Zach, a kid I saw many years ago in my practice. Unlike a lot of kids who are diagnosed with ADHD, Zach actually has this condition (according to a 2010 study by Michigan State, as many as 20% are misdiagnosed – roughly 900,000). So one day he comes to my office and insists that I borrow his DVD of “Star Wars, Attack of the Clones”. I agreed but knew that actually getting him to remember to bring it into my office would be difficult.
Initially his good intentions fell prey to a plan which lacked detail or an awareness of the problem we were trying to solve. I knew instinctively that it would not work. And it didn’t. On the second try we added to his plan in hopes of helping him remember to bring me the DVD. He suggested taking the DVD and placing it on the floor in front of his bedroom door. Stepping over it each day would serve as a regular reminder to bring it to my office. It was a better plan but still not quite enough. Finally, on the third try he succeeded; he had added a crucial final step to the plan and that was for me to call him the night before to remind him.
Kids with ADHD, including Zach, do not want to disappoint everyone in their lives. What I found most interesting about his story was how surprised he was that I was not angry or frustrated with him. His life experience had been one in which the adults in his life were regularly frustrated and angry with him despite his good intentions. No one would voluntarily choose to follow in Zach’s footsteps. He started school out like all other kids, wanting to be successful. Unfortunately his ability to focus, organize and complete tasks (especially tasks he found uninteresting) fell painfully short of what was needed. And he did not understand why! It is often not until late adolescence that the teen can begin to understand how their brain works. Only then can they begin to take the steps necessary to address the shortcomings. Until then, they really need the support of the adults in their lives.
In school, where the frustration most manifests, a kid with ADHD can and often does do well if the homework and class work is interesting and of the hands-on variety. It is not surprising to see a report card with 4 F’s, a C and an A. Why is that? Well let’s look at another kid I knew named Jake. Jake was described as bright yet “not living up to his potential” – a common description of these kids. So when Jake received an “F” on a poetry assignment, his parents brought him to my office. It turns out that he was asked by his teacher to go home, read a poem and then write a summary of it. He told me that he tried but found the assignment “stupid and boring.” Interestingly a few weeks later, the same poetry teacher gave the class a hands-on assignment. He was asked to choose a poem and together with a partner, go home and make a movie about it. Jake and his friend did. They wrote a script, bought props and then filmed and acted all the parts themselves. It turned out that the teacher was so impressed with the final project, not only did they both get A’s, but she also showed the film to the entire class. So who was this kid Jake, the “F” kid who didn’t seem to care about school or the “A” kid who just made the best grade in his class?
Kids with ADHD are often accused of lying and they will do their fair share of dodging and weaving. But I prefer to think of their evasive techniques as survival skills. They are often so confused themselves by their failures and feel so hopeless after years of disappointing parents, that they would rather lie about homework for example (“I don’t have any”) than trudge down the path of predicted failure. This is so even when there is virtually no possibility of getting away with it.
Kids with ADHD are genuinely forgetful. Just like Zach and his Star Wars DVD. Why would a kid risk the possibility of disappointing a parent by not completing a ten-minute chore or a homework assignment? The answer is that their brains seek the rush attached to doing what is fun or stimulating. They get lost in that world and soon find themselves again letting their parents down.
It makes sense then that parents find their patience in short supply. And yet, I mentioned only some of the characteristics of kids with ADHD. These kids are also notorious procrastinators, poor time-keepers and often angry and depressed. Certainly Zach and Jake both felt that way. Next month I will address what adolescents and their parents can do to smooth the road both at home and in school. There is plenty of hope to be found in what probably seems like a bleak situation to many.