Yesterday, my wife and I were sitting at a small 1950’s type burger stand about an hour from Boise. We were sitting next to a table of three – a dad and his two sons. We sat next to them for about 30 minutes before they piled into their truck and left. Instantly my wife and I looked at each other in amazement. For the entire 30 minutes, the three did not speak a single word to each other. Not one! I was stumped until I reflected back to my childhood and my relationship with my dad. I remember long hours spent fishing in a boat together with very little communication between us. Or the hours we sat in a goose blind enjoying the hunt in silence. I reminded myself that those were some of my best memories of my childhood. The entire experience yesterday led me to once again ponder the importance of dads and some of the myths that prevail to this day about them.
Myth 1: There is only one definition of a “good father”.
Today as the notion of “family” is ever changing and the roles of each parent continue to evolve, the definition of a “good father” has many meanings. We now have an ever-increasing number of fathers staying home with their children. We continue to have a preponderance of men who define their role as chief (financial) provider to their family. We also have everything in between as mothers remain in the work world or dads begin to assume a more hands-on role with the children. In summary, a dad will craft his role in a way that meets his needs and the needs of his family. And that is OK.
Myth 2: Dads do not make a difference.
Much has been written about dads and the benefits inherent in their involvement in childrearing. Some of the conclusions from research over the past 15 years are eye-opening. Children do better academically and are 43% more likely to earn mostly A’s on their report cards. Toddlers have a higher IQ by age three and are more prepared to start school. Boys have been found to be less aggressive, impulsive and more self-directed. Teen pregnancy rates fall with a father’s presence in the family and children are overall more likely to have close friends, successful marriages and contentment in adulthood. Parents also serve as role models in terms of how they relate to each other. In terms of relationships skills, the latter is critical for children as they seek to create healthy relationships of their own.
Myth 3: Moms are better than dads at childrearing.
I remember my sister’s ambivalence about whether to go back East to help my parents when my mom had her knee replaced. My sister’s worries centered around what (or if) her husband would feed them; whether he would be vigilant about homework; and whether he would get them to bed on-time. Her concerns now make more sense to me since she had been responsible for all of those tasks. Well, my sister eventually did go and the children survived. It turns out her husband did struggle as he attempted to master a very steep learning curve, one that my sister had mastered years before. According to Adrienne Burgess of the Fatherhood Institute, the research now reports that parenting is a “learn as you go” skill much like starting a new job. When men and women are able to spend the same amount of time looking after babies, and are given the same support, they develop skills at the same rate.
Myth 4: Dads do not form special bonds with children.
Historically our culture assigned relationship-work to women and the task of providing for the family to men. In the 1950’s, dads were not allowed in the delivery room and mothers were responsible for up to 90% of all childrearing. Dads were generally described as disconnected and disinterested. Yet we now know that dads do form bonds with their children. Kyle Pruett, the author of “Fatherneed” found an undeniable link between fathers and babies beginning at birth. Infants can differentiate between a mother’s and father’s voice at 6 weeks old; at 8 weeks, babies can distinguish between their mother’s and father’s caretaking methods; toddlers are especially fascinated by their fathers and will seek them out even when not present and a dad’s heart races as fast as a mom’s when a baby screams. Finally, dads undergo hormonal changes prior to the birth of a baby. Specifically, the level of the stress hormone called cortisol spikes, placing the father’s brain on alert and thereby helping prepare for the baby’s arrival.
As I think back on the enormous contributions both my parents brought to my own childrearing, I want to recognize their diverse approaches and celebrate their differences. I see now how they were not only effective, but also vital to raising healthy and successful children. And as for the father and sons at the burger stand, I am left feeling how fortunate those two kids were to have shared a meal in silence with their dad.